Post by Jade Little on Sept 27, 2016 18:50:50 GMT
okay so i was icing cinnamon rolls and all i could think of was thie J/A headcannon idea thing and idk if it's because I spend the past 5 hours before that watching gossip girl or something but i'm just gonna tell it so here we go (also i feel like I'm going to write as like half post half rambly thing so just bare that in mind)
It had been about 4 or 5 years since Jade had had her heartbroken by the boy who, well, she'd never say loved but she would have done almost anything for him. She'd thought he felt the same way but he'd been too busy making out with her sister behind her back. She hadn't spoken to him since she left Beacon Hills for college, she'd chosen NYU because a) who would't? and b) it was far enough away from Beacon Hills that'd she'd be able to start over, than and the fact that if someone from her old town did move to New York it was a city with enough people that she'd probably never have to see them again.
This was her last year in college here, a time she'd enjoyed and surprisingly she'd settled into life in New York easily. In the end it hadn't been too hard for her to leave Beacon Hills, there weren't many people she would miss. Looking back it felt so strange that she rarely spoke to Erin these days, they'd been inseparable once and now Jade just felt a sick feeling in her stomach whenever she looked at her twin. It was December now, Christmas and New Year were just days away and Jade had chosen to not go home this holiday period. She was going to stay in the city with her friends in their dirty old apparent which they'd filled with fairy lights and about 100 cushions so that it felt like a little grotto that wasn't so grotty anymore.
Jade had been on her way back from a coffee shop just a few blocks away from her apartment when she glanced up and did a double take. Maybe she'd had too much coffee or helped herself to one too many complimentary candy canes on her way out that she was slowly making her way through because did her eyes deceive her or was that one of the very people she was trying to avoid? He was stood leaning against the fencing on the bridge she needed to cross to get to her block and his eyes (if they were actually his eyes, if this was actually him) were fixed on the road below. Carrying on towards what could potentially be Ashton, Jade kept her hands in the pockets of her coat, her breath visible in front of her due to the low temperatures.
As she stepped onto the bridge Ashton turned, looking at her. They both froze and Jade knew it then, knew it was him and that out of the 8 million or so people in New York, the one she'd ended up running into just three days before Christmas was Ashton. She didn't know what to do then. She was half tempted to turn back around and take a long route home despite the fact that if she was stood on the other side of the bridge she would have been able to see her apartment window, a badly decorated Christmas Tree lighting up the room inside.
This was all so bizarre in all the years she'd been here she'd slowly convinced herself that she would never see him again, that Ashton was behind her. Ashton who she'd received piggy backs from, Ashton who she had wasted a whole double period with in the girls toilets one Tuesday afternoon, Ashton the boy that maybe, just maybe, she'd loved.
Slowly they both took steps towards each other until they were only 3 feet or so apart. From this distance she could see the green of eyes so clearly, could still see the glimmer in his eye that seemed to appear when she was there. They both stood there in silence for what felt like forever but what was probably only a minute or so as they took each other in. Neither of them had changed much but yet he felt completely foreign to her. "I'd say something like 'Welcome to New York' but I think I speak of behalf of the city when I say that you're not welcome here." She sounded cold, she sounded nothing like herself and her high school self probably would have shouted at her for being so harsh but this wasn't high school anymore and Jade had grown up.
(now i don't really know what he'd say in response, i assume that maybe he'd be a bit surprised that she could be so cold but probably not shocked since he did break my poor little babies heart so i'm just gonna imagine he says something and carry on)
Jade didn't have time to both replying to what he'd said, her phone chimed at her, telling her she'd a text message to respond to. It was probably one of her roommates just checking up on her. She smiled when she saw the name on her phone, she'd recently started dating a history major and he was sweet and kind with dark hair and glasses that she stole and held up high despite the fact that he was about 6 foot tall. That was all though. He wasn't hilariously funny or charming or super sexy and as Jade looked up at her phone towards Ashton she knew why she had such high standards no matter how hard they'd made her cry.
After all this time it seemed part of still belonged to the boy (or should we now say man?) stood in front of her.
"What are you doing here anyway, I guessed you'd still be in California fucking with people's emotions?" The swearing had made a return the moment she'd stepped inside of NYC, it fitted the atmosphere of the place. "Or I mean, you just fuck people and leave them, your emotions never really get involved." When Jade had first found out about Ashton and Erin she'd felt helpless and at least now she wasn't, now she had some verbal ammunition to go on. In reality though she was only saying these things to make herself feel brave because it actuality she was sad deep down, looking at Ashton who was still so ridiculously attractive stood in front of her, she couldn't help but imagine the life they could have had.
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Jade's words settled around her and she knew that perhaps they'd been a bit unfair. That maybe just maybe he hadn't deserved that. Then again maybe he did so not point in taking them back now. "We both know I never wanted to hurt you, Jade." Her phone buzzed in her hand as it held in her arm hanging limply by her side. She had known that but it had almost been easier to believe that he had wanted to hurt her as opposed to him having feelings for Erin also.
"I think it's a bit too late for that now." She told him, phone irritatingly telling her she had another message. She knew she should check who was texting her but it was almost just like old times again, she wanted to give him her full attention no matter how much trouble that would leave her in. When yet a third message arrived she did decided to look at her phone though. It was still history major guy, across from Jade she could see Ashton trying to see who she was texting. "Can I help you?" She asked as he peered ever closer trying to glimpse her phone screen.
"Yeah, you could tell me who you're texting? I know that look in your eye, it's the one you used to have around me." Jade looked up then, shocked, fingers clenching around her phone. The cheek of him.
"Excuse me?" She shot back.
"The look that says you're talking to someone you like." Ashton added, an easy smirk forming on his lips. "He must not be that good though as you're spending the evening with me as opposed to him." She hated that he was right and he knew it. If he really had been who she wanted she would be visiting him right now or walking the cold streets of New York with him but instead she was here bickering with Ashton as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. That thought brought another to mind though.
"How long have you been out here?" She asked, slipping her phone back into the pocket of her coat. It was freezing outside and Jade's cheeks felt pink from the cold. After discovering that he had been outside for a couple of hours without going inside Jade did something she would probably regret and should have never offered but here they were, stepping into her apartment. Kicking off her shoes into an unorganised pile by the front door, Jade stepped past the bookshelf into the living room to then stop. Ashton right behind her, bumping into her shoulder. There sat on her sofa was history major guy. Great. "Nathaniel, hi." She said but he didn't seem to hear, he was just studying Ashton right behind her like a prey looking at a predator.
"I didn't realise you had plans to meet up with..." Nathaniel paused, glancing between Jade's worried face to Ashton's bemused expression. "I'm going to say friend because that's what I hope he is." Taking a step towards Nathaniel, Jade was about to begin to explain when Nathaniel continued. "But I feel like he's not, just by how guilty you look and how pleased he looks." Oh no, this wasn't good. Jade refused to look at Ashton to see if he in fact looked pleased and just continued to try and talk to Nathaniel.
"He is honestly just some guy I used to know. We're not even friends." She told him, reaching out and placing a hand on his hand and only then did she dare a look at Ashton who may have looked pleased a moment ago but now seemed disappointed by her comment as if that wasn't what he had expected. "I'm not dating people behind your back, if that's what you were wondering." She wasn't going to do that to someone, she knew how it felt.
"If he's not your friend then why is he here?"
"Yeah, Jade, do tell Nathaniel here why you invited a man you claim not to be your friend into your home." Ashton said stepping into the conversation and towards them. "A man I might add, who you did used to be with."
"Who I broke up with because he would rather have been with my sister than me." Jade added butting in before Ashton could say anymore.
"Let me get this straight," Nathaniel began, raking his hands through his hair, knocking Jade's hand off of his arm. "You randomly met this man who it sounds like you hate and invited him in and didn't think I'd be mad?"
"No, I didn't think you'd be mad because," because she hadn't been expecting him to find out. Not like this anyway. "He had been outside for hours and it's freezing out there and I don't hate him." A moment later and Jade thought on all of what Nathaniel had said and to the fact that she was basically defending Ashton right now when in reality she owed him no such service. "And also because I thought you'd trust me."
"Sounds to me," Ashton began, stepping into a position where they'd all be able to see each other clearly. A triangle of sorts. "That maybe it's Nathaniel here we shouldn't trust. Because speaking as someone who knows, you do seem to be very quick to blame Jade here for something you have no evidence of. So Nathaniel I'm going to ask you this, are you the one actually dating other people?"
The world or living room more like because very still then as if a casket of something that should never have been opened had been unlocked and was now just waiting for the push before everything came out. "Jade," Nathaniel started and it was the way her name was said that made her heart stop, her fears which she'd been so careful to slowly erase came rushing back and she was left unable to do anything but stare at Nathaniel as she waited for the words to come. "I have been dating other people, I didn't think you'd need to know because it's not like we're boyfriend and girlfriend or anything." Something inside of her broke then, something dark and toxic and maybe it was Ashton's eyes on her or Nathaniel still spilling out excuses but Jade felt like she need to bolt but she couldn't. Her feet for whatever reason felt like they were glued to the ground. She didn't even feel angry, she just felt like she should have known, like she'd been an idiot.
Ashton knew though. Knew how she felt and Jade hadn't been paying enough attention because otherwise she might have been able to deal with the situation but one second Nathaniel was standing and the next he was falling to the ground as the sound of Ashton's fist colliding with his face ricocheted around the room. "What the hell, dude!" He sputtered from the floor, already pushing himself up. It was then that Jade noticed one of the steady sounds in the apartment had stopped, the sound of the shower running had come to an end and one of her roommates, Sabrina, was stepping into the room a shocked look on her face. She took only moments to understand the scene and start to question what was happening and why.
"Jade, who's this?" She said, jutting her head towards Ashton. "Do I need to call the police?" She asked but Jade shook her head.
"No, I was just leaving." Ashton told them all and as he walked towards the door, just before he was out of sight he called, "you talk to Jade again, you break her heart and I will come and give you the matching black eye. She doesn't deserve to be hurt, not again." And with that the door shut behind him and Jade was left facing Sabrina and Nathaniel's questioning looks. It didn't take her long to answer their silent questions though as a second later she was rushing to grab her shoes and was running after Ashton.
She'd lost him before.
She couldn't lose him again.
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Maybe this was a mistake. Running after Ashton after he'd just punched someone to the ground without answering for any of the consequences of that. Screw consequences, there was an answer Jade needed and she needed it now.
Rushing down the stairs to the ground floor, pushing open the door Jade's breath was taken away as she remembered how could it was outside but she couldn't think of that for long as she looked left and then right before just catching sight of Ashton before he headed out of sight. She ran. She hadn't done that in a long time. Now or never though. "Ashton!" Her voice broke through the silence of the streets and she saw him still ahead of her, his head tilted towards her so that she could see the outline of his chin and nose. This didn't feel like the bridge though, she didn't feel awkward although it couldn't have been more than an hour later.
She closed the distance between them, standing behind him where he still wasn't stood facing her. "Did you come to New York to see me?" She asked and his head lowered, eyes shutting and Jade took everything inside of herself to not force him to look at her. It was almost easier this way, to not be directly looking at him.
"I did," he responded eyes still shut and Jade was glad because the faintest flicker of a smile crossed her face then. It was still a smile that could not be compared to the ones she used to give him, but it was something.
"How did you find me?" After all she hadn't spoken or reached out to him in years, he'd have had no idea that this was the area of New York she was living in.
"The return dress on Jensen's christmas card. Must admit, I was kind of sad to not have received a love letter myself." He looked at her then, turning to face her and Jade forced herself to take a moment, to think through what she was doing. All those years of wonderings and here she was, beginning to find out the answers.
"I'd do it all over again, you know." She told him as a taxi passed them on the road, creating a little background noise but it wasn't enough to distract Ashton. No, she'd caught his attention now. "And that's why I told myself I hated you because after all the hurt and tears I went through, I would have done it all again in a heartbeat." She hated to admit it but tears were beginning to rush to her eyes and not just because it was bitterly cold outside but because she was finally unlocking her heart again to allow it to be truly free. "I don't regret anything. I don't regret allowing myself to develop an all consuming crush on you and I don't regret falling for you the way I did." There were other things she could list like sleeping with him, sneaking out to go and see him but there was of course one she wouldn't tell him, one she wouldn't even admit to herself.
"Why are you telling me this, Jade?" Was it her mind playing tricks on her or did his throat catch. She'd caught him off guard, he hadn't expected this. "Why now?"
"Because, Ashton, there's something I need to know." She looked down, blinking away any form of tears that had begun to form, she wouldn't crack over this. Not right now anyway. She knew herself that she'd grown up and become stronger, she wanted him to know that too. "Did you-" he met her eyes and she could see that he was guessing what she was going to ask but she wasn't going to stop now, she couldn't. "Did you ever actually love me?" There was a thing about tears, when they wanted to start it took a lot to hold them back.
The silence between them felt like forever but couldn't have been more than 10 seconds as she held his gaze although she had to admit he was becoming a bit fuzzy from held back tears. "Yes." One word that was all it took for the dam to break and Jade couldn't even swipe them away, she just let them come. She hadn't expected what came next though, a question which she should have, in reality, predicted but hadn't imaged it ever would. "What about you, Jade, did you ever love me." He'd wondered, he'd made guesses but she'd never told him and as time had passed he'd grown unsure of what her answer would be.
"Ashton, I loved you so much that no one has even come close to you and for as much as I've tried, I can't get you out of my head and I thought that moving here would help but I found you in everything." There she'd said it and although it didn't feel like the world had come off of her shoulders, she didn't definitely feel better to finally have that out there. "And I don't think I'll ever stop loving you in some way." She added just before her mouth was cut off and Ashton's hand were cupping the cheeks of her face and they were kissing perhaps more fiercely and with more passion than they ever had.
This wasn't highschool anymore.
It was freezing outside but he was warm and he was everything.
Maybe she'd regret this and maybe he would too but for now she just let herself enjoy the moment of being with her first love and it must have been cold because they only separated when they began to feel icy flakes touch their bare skin. Snow. It was snowing and as Jade and Ashton looked up at each other Jade knew that the decision to go after him was one she should have made a long time ago.
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dude idk just so many feelings i nearly cried while writing this one like three times
this is completely unedited from when i sent it to megs and there are mistakes but i cba to fix them now so just read around them xoxo
It had been about 4 or 5 years since Jade had had her heartbroken by the boy who, well, she'd never say loved but she would have done almost anything for him. She'd thought he felt the same way but he'd been too busy making out with her sister behind her back. She hadn't spoken to him since she left Beacon Hills for college, she'd chosen NYU because a) who would't? and b) it was far enough away from Beacon Hills that'd she'd be able to start over, than and the fact that if someone from her old town did move to New York it was a city with enough people that she'd probably never have to see them again.
This was her last year in college here, a time she'd enjoyed and surprisingly she'd settled into life in New York easily. In the end it hadn't been too hard for her to leave Beacon Hills, there weren't many people she would miss. Looking back it felt so strange that she rarely spoke to Erin these days, they'd been inseparable once and now Jade just felt a sick feeling in her stomach whenever she looked at her twin. It was December now, Christmas and New Year were just days away and Jade had chosen to not go home this holiday period. She was going to stay in the city with her friends in their dirty old apparent which they'd filled with fairy lights and about 100 cushions so that it felt like a little grotto that wasn't so grotty anymore.
Jade had been on her way back from a coffee shop just a few blocks away from her apartment when she glanced up and did a double take. Maybe she'd had too much coffee or helped herself to one too many complimentary candy canes on her way out that she was slowly making her way through because did her eyes deceive her or was that one of the very people she was trying to avoid? He was stood leaning against the fencing on the bridge she needed to cross to get to her block and his eyes (if they were actually his eyes, if this was actually him) were fixed on the road below. Carrying on towards what could potentially be Ashton, Jade kept her hands in the pockets of her coat, her breath visible in front of her due to the low temperatures.
As she stepped onto the bridge Ashton turned, looking at her. They both froze and Jade knew it then, knew it was him and that out of the 8 million or so people in New York, the one she'd ended up running into just three days before Christmas was Ashton. She didn't know what to do then. She was half tempted to turn back around and take a long route home despite the fact that if she was stood on the other side of the bridge she would have been able to see her apartment window, a badly decorated Christmas Tree lighting up the room inside.
This was all so bizarre in all the years she'd been here she'd slowly convinced herself that she would never see him again, that Ashton was behind her. Ashton who she'd received piggy backs from, Ashton who she had wasted a whole double period with in the girls toilets one Tuesday afternoon, Ashton the boy that maybe, just maybe, she'd loved.
Slowly they both took steps towards each other until they were only 3 feet or so apart. From this distance she could see the green of eyes so clearly, could still see the glimmer in his eye that seemed to appear when she was there. They both stood there in silence for what felt like forever but what was probably only a minute or so as they took each other in. Neither of them had changed much but yet he felt completely foreign to her. "I'd say something like 'Welcome to New York' but I think I speak of behalf of the city when I say that you're not welcome here." She sounded cold, she sounded nothing like herself and her high school self probably would have shouted at her for being so harsh but this wasn't high school anymore and Jade had grown up.
(now i don't really know what he'd say in response, i assume that maybe he'd be a bit surprised that she could be so cold but probably not shocked since he did break my poor little babies heart so i'm just gonna imagine he says something and carry on)
Jade didn't have time to both replying to what he'd said, her phone chimed at her, telling her she'd a text message to respond to. It was probably one of her roommates just checking up on her. She smiled when she saw the name on her phone, she'd recently started dating a history major and he was sweet and kind with dark hair and glasses that she stole and held up high despite the fact that he was about 6 foot tall. That was all though. He wasn't hilariously funny or charming or super sexy and as Jade looked up at her phone towards Ashton she knew why she had such high standards no matter how hard they'd made her cry.
After all this time it seemed part of still belonged to the boy (or should we now say man?) stood in front of her.
"What are you doing here anyway, I guessed you'd still be in California fucking with people's emotions?" The swearing had made a return the moment she'd stepped inside of NYC, it fitted the atmosphere of the place. "Or I mean, you just fuck people and leave them, your emotions never really get involved." When Jade had first found out about Ashton and Erin she'd felt helpless and at least now she wasn't, now she had some verbal ammunition to go on. In reality though she was only saying these things to make herself feel brave because it actuality she was sad deep down, looking at Ashton who was still so ridiculously attractive stood in front of her, she couldn't help but imagine the life they could have had.
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Jade's words settled around her and she knew that perhaps they'd been a bit unfair. That maybe just maybe he hadn't deserved that. Then again maybe he did so not point in taking them back now. "We both know I never wanted to hurt you, Jade." Her phone buzzed in her hand as it held in her arm hanging limply by her side. She had known that but it had almost been easier to believe that he had wanted to hurt her as opposed to him having feelings for Erin also.
"I think it's a bit too late for that now." She told him, phone irritatingly telling her she had another message. She knew she should check who was texting her but it was almost just like old times again, she wanted to give him her full attention no matter how much trouble that would leave her in. When yet a third message arrived she did decided to look at her phone though. It was still history major guy, across from Jade she could see Ashton trying to see who she was texting. "Can I help you?" She asked as he peered ever closer trying to glimpse her phone screen.
"Yeah, you could tell me who you're texting? I know that look in your eye, it's the one you used to have around me." Jade looked up then, shocked, fingers clenching around her phone. The cheek of him.
"Excuse me?" She shot back.
"The look that says you're talking to someone you like." Ashton added, an easy smirk forming on his lips. "He must not be that good though as you're spending the evening with me as opposed to him." She hated that he was right and he knew it. If he really had been who she wanted she would be visiting him right now or walking the cold streets of New York with him but instead she was here bickering with Ashton as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. That thought brought another to mind though.
"How long have you been out here?" She asked, slipping her phone back into the pocket of her coat. It was freezing outside and Jade's cheeks felt pink from the cold. After discovering that he had been outside for a couple of hours without going inside Jade did something she would probably regret and should have never offered but here they were, stepping into her apartment. Kicking off her shoes into an unorganised pile by the front door, Jade stepped past the bookshelf into the living room to then stop. Ashton right behind her, bumping into her shoulder. There sat on her sofa was history major guy. Great. "Nathaniel, hi." She said but he didn't seem to hear, he was just studying Ashton right behind her like a prey looking at a predator.
"I didn't realise you had plans to meet up with..." Nathaniel paused, glancing between Jade's worried face to Ashton's bemused expression. "I'm going to say friend because that's what I hope he is." Taking a step towards Nathaniel, Jade was about to begin to explain when Nathaniel continued. "But I feel like he's not, just by how guilty you look and how pleased he looks." Oh no, this wasn't good. Jade refused to look at Ashton to see if he in fact looked pleased and just continued to try and talk to Nathaniel.
"He is honestly just some guy I used to know. We're not even friends." She told him, reaching out and placing a hand on his hand and only then did she dare a look at Ashton who may have looked pleased a moment ago but now seemed disappointed by her comment as if that wasn't what he had expected. "I'm not dating people behind your back, if that's what you were wondering." She wasn't going to do that to someone, she knew how it felt.
"If he's not your friend then why is he here?"
"Yeah, Jade, do tell Nathaniel here why you invited a man you claim not to be your friend into your home." Ashton said stepping into the conversation and towards them. "A man I might add, who you did used to be with."
"Who I broke up with because he would rather have been with my sister than me." Jade added butting in before Ashton could say anymore.
"Let me get this straight," Nathaniel began, raking his hands through his hair, knocking Jade's hand off of his arm. "You randomly met this man who it sounds like you hate and invited him in and didn't think I'd be mad?"
"No, I didn't think you'd be mad because," because she hadn't been expecting him to find out. Not like this anyway. "He had been outside for hours and it's freezing out there and I don't hate him." A moment later and Jade thought on all of what Nathaniel had said and to the fact that she was basically defending Ashton right now when in reality she owed him no such service. "And also because I thought you'd trust me."
"Sounds to me," Ashton began, stepping into a position where they'd all be able to see each other clearly. A triangle of sorts. "That maybe it's Nathaniel here we shouldn't trust. Because speaking as someone who knows, you do seem to be very quick to blame Jade here for something you have no evidence of. So Nathaniel I'm going to ask you this, are you the one actually dating other people?"
The world or living room more like because very still then as if a casket of something that should never have been opened had been unlocked and was now just waiting for the push before everything came out. "Jade," Nathaniel started and it was the way her name was said that made her heart stop, her fears which she'd been so careful to slowly erase came rushing back and she was left unable to do anything but stare at Nathaniel as she waited for the words to come. "I have been dating other people, I didn't think you'd need to know because it's not like we're boyfriend and girlfriend or anything." Something inside of her broke then, something dark and toxic and maybe it was Ashton's eyes on her or Nathaniel still spilling out excuses but Jade felt like she need to bolt but she couldn't. Her feet for whatever reason felt like they were glued to the ground. She didn't even feel angry, she just felt like she should have known, like she'd been an idiot.
Ashton knew though. Knew how she felt and Jade hadn't been paying enough attention because otherwise she might have been able to deal with the situation but one second Nathaniel was standing and the next he was falling to the ground as the sound of Ashton's fist colliding with his face ricocheted around the room. "What the hell, dude!" He sputtered from the floor, already pushing himself up. It was then that Jade noticed one of the steady sounds in the apartment had stopped, the sound of the shower running had come to an end and one of her roommates, Sabrina, was stepping into the room a shocked look on her face. She took only moments to understand the scene and start to question what was happening and why.
"Jade, who's this?" She said, jutting her head towards Ashton. "Do I need to call the police?" She asked but Jade shook her head.
"No, I was just leaving." Ashton told them all and as he walked towards the door, just before he was out of sight he called, "you talk to Jade again, you break her heart and I will come and give you the matching black eye. She doesn't deserve to be hurt, not again." And with that the door shut behind him and Jade was left facing Sabrina and Nathaniel's questioning looks. It didn't take her long to answer their silent questions though as a second later she was rushing to grab her shoes and was running after Ashton.
She'd lost him before.
She couldn't lose him again.
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Maybe this was a mistake. Running after Ashton after he'd just punched someone to the ground without answering for any of the consequences of that. Screw consequences, there was an answer Jade needed and she needed it now.
Rushing down the stairs to the ground floor, pushing open the door Jade's breath was taken away as she remembered how could it was outside but she couldn't think of that for long as she looked left and then right before just catching sight of Ashton before he headed out of sight. She ran. She hadn't done that in a long time. Now or never though. "Ashton!" Her voice broke through the silence of the streets and she saw him still ahead of her, his head tilted towards her so that she could see the outline of his chin and nose. This didn't feel like the bridge though, she didn't feel awkward although it couldn't have been more than an hour later.
She closed the distance between them, standing behind him where he still wasn't stood facing her. "Did you come to New York to see me?" She asked and his head lowered, eyes shutting and Jade took everything inside of herself to not force him to look at her. It was almost easier this way, to not be directly looking at him.
"I did," he responded eyes still shut and Jade was glad because the faintest flicker of a smile crossed her face then. It was still a smile that could not be compared to the ones she used to give him, but it was something.
"How did you find me?" After all she hadn't spoken or reached out to him in years, he'd have had no idea that this was the area of New York she was living in.
"The return dress on Jensen's christmas card. Must admit, I was kind of sad to not have received a love letter myself." He looked at her then, turning to face her and Jade forced herself to take a moment, to think through what she was doing. All those years of wonderings and here she was, beginning to find out the answers.
"I'd do it all over again, you know." She told him as a taxi passed them on the road, creating a little background noise but it wasn't enough to distract Ashton. No, she'd caught his attention now. "And that's why I told myself I hated you because after all the hurt and tears I went through, I would have done it all again in a heartbeat." She hated to admit it but tears were beginning to rush to her eyes and not just because it was bitterly cold outside but because she was finally unlocking her heart again to allow it to be truly free. "I don't regret anything. I don't regret allowing myself to develop an all consuming crush on you and I don't regret falling for you the way I did." There were other things she could list like sleeping with him, sneaking out to go and see him but there was of course one she wouldn't tell him, one she wouldn't even admit to herself.
"Why are you telling me this, Jade?" Was it her mind playing tricks on her or did his throat catch. She'd caught him off guard, he hadn't expected this. "Why now?"
"Because, Ashton, there's something I need to know." She looked down, blinking away any form of tears that had begun to form, she wouldn't crack over this. Not right now anyway. She knew herself that she'd grown up and become stronger, she wanted him to know that too. "Did you-" he met her eyes and she could see that he was guessing what she was going to ask but she wasn't going to stop now, she couldn't. "Did you ever actually love me?" There was a thing about tears, when they wanted to start it took a lot to hold them back.
The silence between them felt like forever but couldn't have been more than 10 seconds as she held his gaze although she had to admit he was becoming a bit fuzzy from held back tears. "Yes." One word that was all it took for the dam to break and Jade couldn't even swipe them away, she just let them come. She hadn't expected what came next though, a question which she should have, in reality, predicted but hadn't imaged it ever would. "What about you, Jade, did you ever love me." He'd wondered, he'd made guesses but she'd never told him and as time had passed he'd grown unsure of what her answer would be.
"Ashton, I loved you so much that no one has even come close to you and for as much as I've tried, I can't get you out of my head and I thought that moving here would help but I found you in everything." There she'd said it and although it didn't feel like the world had come off of her shoulders, she didn't definitely feel better to finally have that out there. "And I don't think I'll ever stop loving you in some way." She added just before her mouth was cut off and Ashton's hand were cupping the cheeks of her face and they were kissing perhaps more fiercely and with more passion than they ever had.
This wasn't highschool anymore.
It was freezing outside but he was warm and he was everything.
Maybe she'd regret this and maybe he would too but for now she just let herself enjoy the moment of being with her first love and it must have been cold because they only separated when they began to feel icy flakes touch their bare skin. Snow. It was snowing and as Jade and Ashton looked up at each other Jade knew that the decision to go after him was one she should have made a long time ago.
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dude idk just so many feelings i nearly cried while writing this one like three times
this is completely unedited from when i sent it to megs and there are mistakes but i cba to fix them now so just read around them xoxo